I'm gonna have a badass scar
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Dignity is for republicans.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.