And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
she told me i tasted like america
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It's rum buckets o'clock
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?