if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
