omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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