You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
