The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
