My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
