Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
