I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.