theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
