I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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