Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
