we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
