the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
