Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Randomize
