well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
