lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You pole danced in your parka.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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