Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
