I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
