Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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