You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
