My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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