one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
