i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
