I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
