in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
