that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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