There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
