my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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