I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
