i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
