Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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