I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
