from now on my penis is your penis
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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