sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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