Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
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