I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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