well I can't set my house on fire every night
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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