I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
my poor anus
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
