Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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