ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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