God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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