The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
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