dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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