I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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