You don't have asthma, your pregnant
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
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