Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
