I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
