Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
