this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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