Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
