Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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