My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Sorry about my life...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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