The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
