Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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