i was born a porn star she said
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
