i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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