you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
