mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
tell me about the eggs
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