I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
God I need to hump something, right now.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
