I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
