whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
i drank out of a bidet.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
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