My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i think i have two assholes
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
