so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you inspire me to be a worse person
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
