I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
